Tales from the River Bank Remember any info/ gossip/ gladly accepted "it's strictly on the QT, highly confidential and very hush hush" Keep your blades moist, Oscar the Otter. To supply information for this column please click here.

A WIN FOR SKYLARK 16/2/04

Avid readers (and who isn't) of TFTRB will have noticed that Skylark as kept a low profile over the past few months, but 2004 has ushered in a new era. Ring out the bells, hoist flags and generally make jolly as Skylark wins Vet D 4+ at Molesey Veterans Head and is the fastest 4 overall, beating numerous 8's. So here is a blow by blow account. Oscar had a restless night, which is always a good sign before a race. The day dawned with cloud and maybe even some sunshine, the troops mustered early and the boat was built in the middle of Children's Play area- rather apt!! Getting afloat with drilled precision so that other crews knew their intentions. Then queuing up to race in what can only be described as the Dewey decimal numbering system, rather than the standard Arabic system. This saw boat number 41 go off first in the division rather than 40, was this a cunning plan from another Staines boat to exploit some tactics that Skylark was unaware of? So then the off and an all out attack on Weybridge with a wily Cox who Oscar knew. Did they gave way when the moment came- as if, and only after repeated warning shouts of the umpire and Oscar shouting " Remember Trafalgar" did they finally move out of the way, so that Skylark could assume their true position on the river. It was over all too soon, but there was a chance just a chance that we had paced it right, stayed in the stream and might just have pipped last years winners Maidenhead….. the results later showed that Oscar, Ratty, Ginger Tom, and the Paul Twins had pulled an exceptionally large rabbit out of an exceptionally small hat and won, by numerous seconds. A formal unveiling of the trophy that was won will take place on the hour, every hour till the clocks go back!!! Please feel free to congratulate any of winning crew loudly and regularly!!!

AMUSING THINGS HEARD AT A RECENT HEAD 16/2/04

Marshall 1 to Cox "You should be on the Middx side!!" - Cox to Marshall 1 " We are on the Middx side" - Marshall 1 to Cox " Well go over the other side" - Cox goes to other side - Marshall 2 to Cox " What are you doing here?" - Cox to Marshall 2 " The Marshal sent us here" - Mar2 to Cox " Well you shouldn't be here, go back over there" - Mar 1 to Cox " Don't turn round here" - Mar 1 to Cox "Just stay where you are". Second exchange at a Coxes briefing - Very important Secretary " You must move to starboard if you are being overtaken" - Cox to VIS " Is that Bow or stroke side? - VIS to Cox "bow side" - Cox to VIS " Is that left or right?" - At this point Oscar prayed that this crew was no where near him!!! The final one - Cox to VIS " Is it a running or standing start?" - VIS to Cox " it's a Head not a regatta!!" - These exchanges do of course beg several questions:- 1. Should coxes be allowed on the water if they don't know there port from starboard or even their left from right. 2. Should officials be allowed to Umpire unless they know where they are on the river. 3. Should coxes be better briefed or read the docs that regattas send out.

STOP PRESS….. STAINES REGATTA NEWS 11/11/03

Following a resolution of the regatta committee last night the regatta course will be raced over the international distance of 2000m and only crews of international standing will be invited to race. Well that got your attention. Last night there should have been a Regatta meeting but sadly only two people turned up , so lets have the excuses for non attendance to iwasntatthemeetingbecoz@otterproperty.co.uk. As a result, over a pint those two resolved the above and also decided to go to Rio on the proceeds of last years regatta!!!

ONE OF OUR COX BOXES IS MISSING 1/10/03

So come on, own up, who are the sad individuals amongst you who have a Cox box sitting on your mantle piece that you worship every night before you go to bed? Remember they are CLUB property and belong down the club for ALL club members to use. No crew or individual has the privilege of hording the box for any reason. So play the game and don't be stupid and hoard the things. Under a new decree offenders will be symbolically thrashed with a microphone lead to within an inch of their lives, before being expelled from the club. On a serious note it is becoming a complete farce to ask people to Cox boats without the right equipment, after all how would you fancy going out in a boat without a seat and then the Cox getting you to practice racing starts. The Committee looks forward to all the boxes being returned and left their forthwith.

"BUOYANCY AID OR NOT TO BUOYANCY AID?" ~ THAT IS THE QUESTION 1/10/03

Avid viewers of the goggle box will have recently watched the World Championships from Milan, in all the excitement of British crews winning and losing, did viewers notice that none of the Coxes appeared to be wearing buoyancy aids?

So TFTRB did a little investigating…. Lets start from why they are worn. Logic dictates that it should be safer to thrash around in the water with some form of support especially in cold weather. Every Cox must under SBC rules only go afloat with an aid, no aid no row, its as simple as that. But then lets look at the hard facts. The Cox is connected to the boat by at best a Cox Box lead (Editors note- oh no he isn't at SBC with so many missing!!!~ see later article on this), so again logic dictates that he or she can remove themselves fairly easily. The poor rower is attached with feet and has a blade to contend with. So again simple logic dictates that a Cox should be able to get out quicker than a rower. So why do Cox's have buoyancy aids- is it because they are more valuable than rowers and less expendable?

We now delve a little deeper- It appears that FISA rules make no mention of the little people having to wear the aid, but then look at the ARA rules and it says that you do~ so simple logic says that it you are competing for GB in Milan etc you can wave goodbye to the aids and go unencumbered. TFTRB seems to remember that a few years ago there was a bit of a stink about the Oxford and Cambridge crews and coxes wearing the aids. Their response was that it was a private match and ARA rules didn't apply, and they could do what they liked. However, in recent years aids have been worn.

So where does that leave us?
The National body says wear them.
The International body stays silent
If it's a private match you can do what you like.

TFTRB can find no one who can offer a sensible reason why a Cox should have to wear an aid- the only even slightly logical reason is that a number of very small children may Cox who can't swim and this may give them some confidence, but this is rather shot down by making sure that everyone can swim 25/ 50 m in clothing. Any more logic reasons gratefully asked for.

HERE'S A FACE YOU MAY RECOGNISE 26/6/03

The attached photograph is of "our man in Copenhagen" as you can see he is getting ideal race practice. Masters of beer will appreciate that our correspondent is drinking the "weak stuff", rather than the 8.6% Polar Bear beer (which is pictured in the foreground)

DANISH FERRET RACING 26/6/03

Not only does rowing take place in Copenhagen, but the Vikings have been recently introduced to ferret racing and how many ferrets can you get down a pair of trousers. The latter being extremely difficult with only one ferret. The photographs page shows the delightful animal with its "handler", a SAS rower that you may recognise.

VIKINGS V BRITS 23/6/03

SIX AND A HALF GO TO DENMARK 22/6/03

An intrepid band of men, women and children journeyed far - to land of the Vikings to do battle on behalf of England and St George, in the SAS Regatta in Copenhagen ( see race report later).
The hospitality offered was superb ,and thanks should go to Walter and Johnny B for make everybody so welcome. Just to wet your appetites we can say that the club house - that is superb, incorporates a sauna and a fully equipped workshop. Members would also struggle to recognise the 99p 8 that was sold a few years ago to SAS.
To encourage more members of BA and Staines to go in future years, this years intrepid band got involved in some dodgy drinking games with liquid liquorice ( this was to aid crew bonding)- this included Tim Ackroyd ( but more about him later).
Friday night was spent at the SAS club, with some good food and wit amongst all. This was followed by the regatta and then more food and speeches at the Dinner.
If you get the chance to go it is well worth the effort.

TIM AND COPENHAGEN 22/6/03

Whilst the intrepid bunch of travellers were at the SAS regatta, young Mr Ackroyd showed his face and competed in two events (four races) and sadly produced no wins!!
It seems he is having a great time and has settled in well. Male members will be pleased to know that young Tim has taken to the beer, and in a land that is very clean and tidy, has been known to hunt for empty beer bottles to reclaim the deposit and swell the coffers.
Looking very relaxed ( well who would after a few beers at 8.6% strength) the "heat on the street" says that the laddo has "set his cap" at a young Danish damsel in a pie shop, sorry cake shop. The waist line is beginning to suffer so that the course of young love can flourish. Members of SAS have been primed with the address of the shop and will be popping in to check out the beauty. There is a possibility that photographs may be available.
On a serious note, it seems that Tim is having a great time, but is missing marmite and and baked beans- so you know where to send the food parcels!!!!

WESTLIFE OR ROWING 4/6/03

Picture the scene…. You are tucked up in bed, its warm inside and cold outside and you have to go rowing at 6.30am- yes, whilst sane people are bunking down!!! And why do you have to do this…. All because you would miss a training session to see a few Muppets from a foreign country gyrate their young bodies at a concert- do these women have no shame. Let the readers of TFTRB be the policy makers. Would you rather go to Westlife concert or go rowing???

SURFS UP AND THE LIVIN' IS EASY!!!! 14/5/03

Good Friday 2003, and with the Sculling Ladders slowly fading into distant history, The hyper-hiker, The non-erector, The 6am-walker, the Tequila Foam-Rider, The highwayman and Studley-Dudley (editors note- we know the identities of these brave individuals, but they have been changed to protect the innocent) got to SBC all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed for 3 days of Surfers' Paradise..... As temperatures soared (where do these people think they are!!), they managed to inch their way down the M3 in convoy - but where was the Tequila Foam-Rider? - the only one of them who was actually carrying surf boards! (Well, it's hard to carry excess baggage when you've got your top down!!) Editors note- that last bit in brackets was the original writers and TFTRB in no way wishes to be associated with these type of innuendoes.

Some 3 hours later, in spite of the 100 mph stints (The non-erector!!) -they reached Croyde Bay....(By scientific calculations carried out by TFTRB, unless Croyde Bay is suddenly in Germany then someone was breaking the law) looking forward to putting up the tents and taking in a nice, ice cold beer... if only it were that easy..... Instead they squeezed nose to tail, back to back through country lanes only designed for mountain goats... The result was.... Studley-Dudley being pushed uphill by an over rampant campervan, (ok newshounds here is your challenge - check all SBC cars for damage to the bumpers and Sd is identified) The non-erector slip-sliding downhill in an attempt to burn more clutch than David Coulthard at Brands Hatch, and The hyper-hiker sandwiched in the middle!

But as the girls held fort at a nearby pub :o) the boys found a rural field to set up camp.... the showers were the results of a couple of cow (or even goat) sheds, but The non-erector was happy that there was at least hot water!

With tents pitched, beer flowing, and the sun still shining the Q was how many of SBC can you get into the Tequila Foam-Rider's surf mobile? Or even, what was poking into who? This was soon forgotten as they moved from pub to pub.... Studley-Dudley and The highwayman seemed to pay far too much attention to the kids play areas... Then it was back to the field for .... 6 in a tent + the Mountain goat!!! (oops - did I let that slip?) And what were the guys using the cleanser for?

But even the night didn't pass without its activities..... To start with there some heavy breathing, and a little blowing... Later on there was some flashing..... and a lot of revving, to which they all woke up to... And much later The 6am-walker met Studley-Dudley and the Tequila Foam-Rider met The hyper-hiker on a path of destiny.... But who met the goat? (if readers by this point you are beginning to lose the will to live with goats, paths to destiny then don't worry, take an armful of whatever the writer was on and it will all make sense)

Saturday morning brought the Jekyll and Hyde of weather fronts - with Friday's heat wave turning into a Siberian winter. But there was a Testosterone Battle to win so Studley-Dudley, The highwayman and the Tequila Foam-Rider headed off donned in wetsuits, and boards in their hand, whilst The non-erector, The hyper-hiker and The 6am-walker opted for shopping! The afternoon was the ultimate testosterone test for the guys..... It started when they ventured into the ladies bathing area (pics1+2).- sorry no pics provided. Over-excited by the whole episode they went looking for the Mountain goat off a nearby cliff (pic 3). But they all should have paid more attention to the Male/Female Rules of etiquette - one for all of SBC to take note on... (pics 4+5)

However, we all know that boys will be boys, and feeling like they needed to prove themselves even more (although the girls were a bit unsure how plunging themselves into icy cold water could really do that????), it was back to Croyde for some more surfing..... The highwayman showed what being an Aussie is all about... Studley-Dudley sat aloof, waiting for the right wave to come in.... and the Tequila Foam-Rider... well let's just say that the Tequila Foam-Rider's points on rock climbing and stone skimming certainly aided him on the overall outcome!!!

A few hrs later, and back in the field... What dangers lay ahead! Its enough to say that firm poles were not as firm as they should be.... zips were open .... and things were exposed...... fortunately the Tequila Foam-Rider and The highwayman jumped to the rescue, and thanks to them Th 6am-walker and The hyper-hiker had a very comfortable night!!! Thank goodness too that it was the goat's night off.... Being a Sat night, the rest of the evening was set aside for lager, tequila, peach schnapps an dancing.... the girls even discovered they had testosterone in the Battle of the Pull ups!! And even with The 6am-walker in charge of the kitty, the Tequila Foam-Rider still kept getting more drinks in (no more tequila EVER!!!) and The non-erector and The hyper-hiker did dance routines until they fell over..... Can anyone remember crawling into bed that night?

Sunday was a grey day - partly added to the fact that everyone was so damn hung over.... The hyper-hiker surfaced by 7am and was back in the safety of Berkshire by 11am and in bed not long after - alone for the first time in the last 48 hours!! Meanwhile.... the Tequila Foam-Rider had been witnessed as saying that the mountain goat was in his tent or was that simply the smell after two days in the back of beyond with 'light offshore winds', toilets and showers from the dark side and mysterious men in long brown coats?! Will he ever know?

So Monday arrived, and just to prove that these men have perseverance.... Tequila Foam-Rider finally managed to get green wave rider and gain gromit (novice surfer apparently) status. The highwayman got totally confused and actually started surfing backwards!!! (He really did this, and all the other Pro surfers were highly impressed ).... and Studley-dudley ...???? Well. S-D , he just sat in the water with his huge blue 10fter between his legs.... just waiting for the right moment! And the last words said by the Tequila Foam-Rider as he surfed into the distance was.... "Have a tequila for me at the dinner dance...." (and one for the goat!) "Oar-inspiringly written by the Croydolians on tour!" Editor thinks that there is more in this than meets the eye.

JOHNNY FOREIGNER THROWS DOWN THE GAUNTLET FOR VICHY 3/3/03

A DAY ON A STRETCH OF THE RIVER THEY CALL THE TIDEWAY 17/3/03

An intrepid 8 ventured out on Saturday for the WHRR. Below are some of things seen and heard during this spectacle.
1. -- Whilst waiting to put the boat in, a Tideway crew barging through to stick there tub in first, and then having the cheek to ask if we were waiting. The obvious response is that we always hang around Putney holding a boat. However, the last laugh was with us as the said crew started in a single digit place and finished in the mid 60's!!
2. -- A Marshall shouting to crews that we use the Dewy Decimal system of numbering for positioning crews alongside the bank- that may explain why the numbering was a little "messed up". The DD system is actually used to number books in a library- suspect the Marshall was trying to be clever, but it was clearly lost on most of the crews who were more interested in getting in the right place with no numbers on the bank to help them.
3 .-- Crews being asked to move on up the River when there was no space for a scull, let alone an 8.
4. -- The real classic was crews queuing the wrong way and then having to turn twice to start the race- people not reading instructions!!!

OTTERS SUCCESSFUL AT MATING 11/1/03

Despite holding a senior position at Staines Boat Club, Otter has let it down. For several weeks earlier this year his crew had educated him in the art of successful mating which eventually resulted in a pregnancy. Given that even luck would give a 50/50 chance of producing an oarsman, the news today that the birth of the offspring resulted in a coxswain beggars belief. No chance now of his child winning the Grand at Henley and receiving medals galore he will now have to endure the dolls and lipstick of a little coxswain. The best that otter can do now is to train 'Izzy' to continue the family tradition of dressing up in mask and overalls, donning a life jacket, squeezing into a boat and screaming. Our sympathies go to him.